It’s really slim pickins’ as the summer winds down. The movie studios are releasing some of their real dogs. What else could explain another Elizabeth Hurley movie? But I was in the mood for Clint Eastwood, so I sat there for almost two hours with this one.
I noticed pretty quickly just how old the guy has gotten. Granted, in this movie he plays a guy about to have a heart attack followed by a heart transplant, but still I couldn’t get over how tired he looked and sounded. Clint’s voice is so weak there were times I had to strain to pick up on what he was saying.
Here are the basics – Clint play an FBI profiler named Terry McCaleb. He has that heart attack while chasing a serial murder suspect. Two years later, he finally has a new heart but has retired. That is until the sister of the woman who provided Terry with the new heart shows up and pleads with him to solve her sister’s murder. Let’s stop right there. This lady is named Gracila Rivers and she’s played by an actress named Wanda DeJesus. I’ve never heard of Wanda, but I hope to never see here again. If you want to see what the definition of overacting is, watch this woman. She uses these strange expressions and often they convey exactly the wrong emotions. For instance, she knows she not only has to convince Clint to solve her sister’s murder, but she also has to end up in bed with him. So to do this, she sometimes puts on the seductive look when it doesn’t fit the moment. It was distracting. I felt like I was watching a bad soap opera with this lady’s dopey come-on looks sending what should have been an important scene into the silliness zone. Watch her eyes – when something simple will do, Wanda goes into overdrive with the face acting. And let’s not even talk about the actual sex scene. You’ll want to close your eyes there. Thank God they do cut it short.
While Wanda was not intended to be comic relief, a couple of other characters were. Jeff Daniels plays a neighbor of Terry McCalebs – he’s a quirky, goofy do-nothing who ends up tagging along as McCaleb tries to find the killer. This is by far the best person to watch in the movie. The guy just doesn’t seem to care about anything and shoots off more than a few good lines.
Then there’s Paul Rodriguez as the LAPD cop who is jealous of McCaleb and whose job it is in this movie to act stupid and lazy and angry. Most of the time it’s not amusing. But then again, it’s Paul Rodriguez and there isn’t much to work with there in the first place. By the way, when will he end up with a morning radio show in LA?
This all leaves Clint and Angelica Huston to carry the load and it’s too heavy for their old shoulders. What a waste of Angelica’s talent. She plays Clint’s doctor and gets to say things like – “ Terry, if you take on this murder case,I won’t be your doctor anymore”. Or, when Clint comes back later seeking her help, she emotes, “you’ve got five minutes”.
As for Clint, well, I’ve already stated that he looks worn out. In fact, this movie is written so simply, it’s all kind of an embarrassment. Clint started to look like Andy Griffith on another “Matlock” case. This is the kind of movie they put on CBS on Sunday nights after a “Touched By An Angel” episode. You may find yourself interested in who the serial killer is, or you may not. I was part of the “not” crowd. In fact, once we do see who the killer is, the last ten minutes of this movie are even more embarrassing as Clint and the guy tangle in improbable ways. “Blood Work” is a set back for a guy now considered a legend. I give it a “3.0”.
Friday, August 9th, 2002
They want you to know right from the start that this is the beginning of something new in secret agent movies. Some suave guy in a tux is killed by ugly looking guys in the Czech Republic. He turns out to be an agent from the old guard. After that, an NSA guy played by Samuel L. Jackson decides to recruit a new breed of agent. His plan is to use a guy who is already a criminal. He chooses Vin Diesel who eventually becomes known as “Triple X”.
And with that I actually skipped over the best part of this movie, if there is one. In order to be selected, Vin has to go through a series of spy games meant to weed out those who can’t do the job. Lucky for Vin, who is known also as Xander Cage, he happens to also be an X-Game kind of guy. He skateboards, snowboards and parachutes with the best of them. And because he’s a three strike criminal, he doesn’t give a damn. Of course, he’s a “good guy” criminal. His “crime” in the opening scene is stealing some dopey politicians Corvette and dropping it over a cliff. The hack appears to be some right wing kook that movie people always think have it coming. But I tell you, that scene and Xander’s “pre-spy” exam are about as interesting as it gets.
After that, it’s back to the Czech Republic. That’s when the movie goes from Triple X to Triple Z. Yeah, sleepyville. I was bored. Real bored. The Czech villains that Triple X is sent to collect info on are dull, and for the longest time, apparently up to nothing at all.
There’s the lead guy, who looks like an ugly Russell Crowe. And his pretty female number one assistant. Together they sound like Boris and Nastasha from “Rocky and Bullwinkle”. And for about an hour, nothing happens. Then when we finally get to their big secret, it’s laughable. Except I didn’t laugh. Shortly thereafter, I left. Yep – about fifteen minutes short of the end I was out of there. Anybody want to e-mail me the finish? Never mind – I know how it goes. Agent defeats evil, gets girl.
The problem with “XXX” isn’t that it’s predictable. It’s just that for all the promotion over it being about a new breed of hip, “Extreme Game” kind of super spy, it breaks no new ground at all. It’s a snoozer. Our man Xander actually takes a moment to tell one of the Czech guys that smoking is bad for him. Is that supposed to be funny? He also does the obligatory bed scene with the bimbo, declaring “the things I do for my country”. Great, now that’s real groundbreaking.
I used to think Vin Diesel could be the next big action star but in this movie he sounds like Sylvester Stallone after a few too many “Rocky” punches. Only Samuel L. Jackson knows how to act and he helps the movie the few times he shows up. If this is the new spy guy to look forward to, I’ll save my money. I give “XXX” a “3.0” on the scale
Friday, August 2nd, 2002
From the title and the preview clips, this movie would appear to be about crop circles and alien invasions, but you are going to have to wait a while for all that to come together.
It was almost too long for me. The story is really about the inner problems of a family living on a farm in Northeastern Pennsylvania. Dad is played by Mel Gibson, a guy named Graham Hess. About six months earlier, his wife died. That leaves Graham to take care of their two children, a boy and a girl, both under ten years of age. Also living there is Graham’s younger brother Merrill, who appears to be a dumb jock. He’s played by Joaquin Phoenix. Graham used to be a minister, but has lost all faith after his wife’s death.
That’s the basics, but the movie is not so basic. In fact, I was in awe at the opening scenes, and believe me, it wasn’t a happy sense of awe.
To say we really jump right into things would be an understatement. Yes, the crop circles appear on the Hess’s property, but that’s not what I mean. I was very frustrated at the people. Graham and his brother and kids are “zombie like”. Right from the opening, little is said and when it is, it is without any emotion. I mean one of the kids stabs the dog to death and it’s like they just sliced up tomatoes for dinner. I thought I was already witnessing the aftereffects of an invasion as these people look they are already victims of some kind of body snatchers. Even the town cop is like some kind of robot. I wasn’t getting this and it was annoying.
Then I figured it’s all a spoof. Because if you start listening to what the family is saying, it’s actually pretty funny. I then thought all the deadpan delivery is a prelude to a farce. Of course, I was wrong and got frustrated again. Yes, I know that the family is walking around in some kind of coma because the Mom died and the Dad is no longer a comforting father figure, and isn’t it ironic that in the middle of all that family crises, here come the little green men, but that still wasn’t doing it for me. Then something wonderful happened.
It was when the dumb jock brother explained to the kids that people who believe in all that UFO nonsense are geeks who couldn’t get girlfriends so the whole conspiracy thing makes them feel special. I was finally relating to something someone said. It also helped when Graham explains that there are two types of people in the world. It all comes down to those who believe in fate and those who believe in a more random way of things. It was great and I felt connected. Too bad it come up over an hour into this movie.
I don’t know what you’re looking to find in “Signs”, but it is largely about a man and his family overcoming a crises of faith. The ending is sweet but very simplified for all the large scale issues it tries to address. Oh, and the little green men? Well, yes, they are actually little green men. Okay, they’re over six feet tall, but they are green. Just don’t expect some overwhelming sci-fi flick. There’s a few scary moments, but not a lot of money was spent on making the invading aliens very realistic and it shows. “Signs” tries to do too much and wastes too much time getting there. I give it a “6.0”.
